doubt, confusion, pain.

Oh god. Why everything I say is used against me? even if what I said is nothing than just a silly joke? Why all this problems with small things?

I was concerned. He left more than 3 days ago, and till last night, was no communication at all! I was so fucking concerned, that's why I asked for help, and that's why I sent so many texts. I WAS FUCKING CONCERNED!
I think I'm the kind of girl that loves too much. When I love, I really love, and that's the first time I'm feeling this warm sensation on my heart. Why everything has to be so bad? why it's not only simple that way my love is? It's just simple and natural, it's not pornographic or dirty, it's just simple, warm and pure, I feel that. It's not the need of sex, it's not the need of a kiss, it's the need of the person, close to you, in every moment, EVERY moment. Good or bad, to deal with everything together, to get to the top together, to be happy together, not only between four walls, pillows and sheets. It's more than that. Much, much more.

Why he can't understand that? The fact I have a friend, doesn't mean I'll fuck with this friend, this only a FRIEND, and that's all. I just asked for help, a help for a friend to try figure out if my boyfriend was alive! Why all this problems?! WHY?! I don't even look to other people, I just think about him, all the time, every bloody second, is thinking about him, how to surprise him, how to make him happy... What should I do? Be a cadaver and don't move a muscle? Just be quiet and don't live any more?
My life is already hard for me, I just try to keep going every fucking minute. It's hard, it's painful. But I try, and I try harder now, because of him, because I love him and all that I want is to listen to his voice, feel his perfume, touch his skin, laugh watching a movie and playing with the dog. Just be happy with him. All that I want IS TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM.

I already tried to quit living, I don't want to try it again. He's the only reason I'm living now, the only reason my life is not so empty anymore. Why he still thinks I can be a bitch? I'm not. I'M NOT!

Crap. Sometimes I just want to run away to a cold and small place, where I could live by myself, working at home, doing my stuff, waking at the time I want, living the way I want... with him. Always, ALWAYS, in the end of a phrase, what's in my head is 'with him'.

I want to travel. With him.

I want to buy a house. With him.

I want to be rich. With him.

I want to be happy. With him.

I want to die. With him.

Maybe he just doesn't love me as much as I love him. It always happened in my life. Starting with dad, then with everybody else, friends, boyfriends, affairs, pets, everybody, everywhere, every situation. I always love more. WHY?! What the hell I did in past that I need to pass through it? WHAT?! Fuck. I need to know, I need to know what I have to learn in this fucking life! I NEED TO KNOW!

I love him, with all my body, my heart and my soul. I feel him, even if he is far. I do.

I need a razor.

"I am the bullet in the gun
and I control you
I am the truth from which you run
and I control you
I am the silencing machine
and I control you
I am the end of all your dreams
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct "

[always Nine Inch Nails]