Theres a while that my heart claims for love. Love, that type of crazy feeling that makes all your body get warm and shake as a building on an earthquake. But at the same time my body just claims for regular sex, and it's not with only one person, and, at the samen time again, my mind begs for me to don't fall in love with anybody. After long and short failed relationships - that's not only sexual - my mind is getting smarter - or scared - about human relations. The only big problem is to fell my body shaking inside when I hear that voice, that words that make my heart beats stronger and I fell like a hand squeezing it stronger as possible... it's like I'm drowing in the darkness, knowing that I will beat in your couch soon. That's really weird.
That's weird to be the new rose in town, but it's getting useless. Not exactly useless, but I already have almost everybody that I wanted, now there's only 2 or 3 victims, so soon I will have to find a new place to go, to move. Or maybe I will spend some time here, because I like this fucking old city, with this old castles and churches and stone streets, and every day I see a new cute face.
The problem is, I know I'm getting afraid of falling in love again because I'm afraid about my friend. I know she is a great girl, but I'm not so sure about other people thoughts about her, or her thoughts about me, I know she doesn't care and she will always say to me that the guy that I'm going out is sexy and hot, ad for her it's totally normal, but been cheated with one of my best friends is too much for me, and I know that if it happens, nobody, never, will have my trust again, now, nobody have 100% of my trust, but if it happens, neither 0,001% of my trust the people will have, and I know that blood will run, and I don't want this.
Last week I was thinking that maybe she is hotter, sexier, cutier or whatever than me, but someone said to me something that I think is the true: She is not better than you, she is just easier and cheaper.
Yeah. Exactly.
I know some people prefer me than her, they prefer me to fuck for one night or to have a relationship, and with her is 99,99% the times only fuck for fun. It doesnt mean that I'm better than her, just that I have more stuff to talk about. Maybe I'm more interesting to have a live with than her. The problem is that I don't want to be the cheated wife.
Fuck! I still think like a little girl, with a fucking idiot prince that will come in a white horse and love me forever. But I KNOW I will NEVER LOVE HIM FOREVER, and that is impossible to someone never cheat on someone, or even if they dont cheat, at least they will have sexual conversations or virtual sex with another person, so, it's a kind of cheat. I really don't want this.
That's weird, at the same time that I want someone forever, I'm almost sure that it will never happen, so maybe I will be an eternal bachelorete, or just an old single woman with no kids and a lot of dogs and cats. Well, at least I know I will be a hot old woman with a lot of young dicks. Yeah, I will take care of myself to be proud of my age and appearance.
The only problem is that I want that guy from D8. Fuck I'm thinking about him a long time, everyday that I see him in front of my work I get walking on clouds all day long. Shit! But why, WHY I said to her about him? Now, like ALWAYS, she keeps saying that the guy is looking to her, and want to fuck her, and bla bla bla.
God! Why is it happening?! What do I have to learn with this?! You know, I love her, she is a great person as a friend, well, in most parts, but I think that maybe, she is so scary about the fact of been useless of uglier than other girls that she wants to show that she is always trying to show to other people that she is very secure of herself. Well, she really have a beautiful body, and know how to use nice clothes, and how to dance in a sexy way, but it doesn't mean that she is better than other people, specially better than me. I feel sad to think about this, I shouldn't! I know! But I have to solve problems with myself before stop thinking this bullshit, because I really love my friend... that's sad.
I know that, P. for example, would love to fuck her, but would love to fuck me for a long time and after have a nice conversation about some bands or movies from early 80's, something that he knows that probably will never have with her. I'm not saying that she is stupid, not at all! She's really intelligent and smart, but in some subjects, she really don't have how to keep a long conversation. Only when the chat is about sex she can continue it. I love her, but, well, I think the guy could be right, she's just easier, and cheaper.
