tristeza atras de tristeza.
fracasso atras de fracasso.
imposições, humilhações, lágrimas, sangue, gritos, palavras malditas, atos errados.

eu amo, e preciso ser amada.

ser vazia, ser crua, ser sozinha, ser triste.

meu coração só dói. nem lágrimas devo ter mais. se continuar assim, é cancer.
se não for isso, talvez algo pior.


eu amo alguém e não sei lidar com o fato de que ninguém me ama.

eu preciso de amor.

eu nem sequer consigo tomar decisões corretas.

e eu ainda espero...sozinha, tentando ver uma esperança em algo que nem sequer existe.
eu espero uma palavra, um gesto, um carinho.
tão longe, mas ao mesmo tempo, tão perto.
te quero tanto.
te preciso, te desejo, sinto algo que não pode ser explicado.



como farei, não sei ainda. existem mil maneiras.


eu te amo, meu H.


eu espero que todos aqueles que um dia se importaram comigo não me odeiem por isso. eu os amo, eu só não ME amo. mãe, pai, tia, tio, poucos amigos. me desculpem por isso.
meu "aborado", me desculpe por não ser quem você queria. eu sou difícil e tudo me magoa.









adeus

doubt, confusion, pain.

Oh god. Why everything I say is used against me? even if what I said is nothing than just a silly joke? Why all this problems with small things?

I was concerned. He left more than 3 days ago, and till last night, was no communication at all! I was so fucking concerned, that's why I asked for help, and that's why I sent so many texts. I WAS FUCKING CONCERNED!
I think I'm the kind of girl that loves too much. When I love, I really love, and that's the first time I'm feeling this warm sensation on my heart. Why everything has to be so bad? why it's not only simple that way my love is? It's just simple and natural, it's not pornographic or dirty, it's just simple, warm and pure, I feel that. It's not the need of sex, it's not the need of a kiss, it's the need of the person, close to you, in every moment, EVERY moment. Good or bad, to deal with everything together, to get to the top together, to be happy together, not only between four walls, pillows and sheets. It's more than that. Much, much more.

Why he can't understand that? The fact I have a friend, doesn't mean I'll fuck with this friend, this only a FRIEND, and that's all. I just asked for help, a help for a friend to try figure out if my boyfriend was alive! Why all this problems?! WHY?! I don't even look to other people, I just think about him, all the time, every bloody second, is thinking about him, how to surprise him, how to make him happy... What should I do? Be a cadaver and don't move a muscle? Just be quiet and don't live any more?
My life is already hard for me, I just try to keep going every fucking minute. It's hard, it's painful. But I try, and I try harder now, because of him, because I love him and all that I want is to listen to his voice, feel his perfume, touch his skin, laugh watching a movie and playing with the dog. Just be happy with him. All that I want IS TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM.

I already tried to quit living, I don't want to try it again. He's the only reason I'm living now, the only reason my life is not so empty anymore. Why he still thinks I can be a bitch? I'm not. I'M NOT!

Crap. Sometimes I just want to run away to a cold and small place, where I could live by myself, working at home, doing my stuff, waking at the time I want, living the way I want... with him. Always, ALWAYS, in the end of a phrase, what's in my head is 'with him'.

I want to travel. With him.

I want to buy a house. With him.

I want to be rich. With him.

I want to be happy. With him.

I want to die. With him.

Maybe he just doesn't love me as much as I love him. It always happened in my life. Starting with dad, then with everybody else, friends, boyfriends, affairs, pets, everybody, everywhere, every situation. I always love more. WHY?! What the hell I did in past that I need to pass through it? WHAT?! Fuck. I need to know, I need to know what I have to learn in this fucking life! I NEED TO KNOW!

I love him, with all my body, my heart and my soul. I feel him, even if he is far. I do.

I need a razor.

"I am the bullet in the gun
and I control you
I am the truth from which you run
and I control you
I am the silencing machine
and I control you
I am the end of all your dreams
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct "

[always Nine Inch Nails]

The Cure - Fascination Street


Oh it's opening time 
Down on fascination street
So let's cut the conversation 
And get out for a bit 
Because I feel it all fading and paling 
And I'm begging 
To drag you down with me 
To kick the last nail in 
Yeah, I like you in that 
Like I like you to scream 
But if you open your mouth 
Then I can't be responsible 
For quite what goes in 
Or to care what comes out 
So just pull on your hair
Just pull on your pout 
And let's move to the beat
Like we know that it's over 
If you slip going under 
Slip over my shoulder 
So just pull on your face 
Just pull on your feet 
And let's hit opening time 
Down on fascination street

So pull on your hair 
Pull on your pout 
Cut the conversation 
Just open your mouth 
Pull on your face 
Pull on your feet 
And let's hit opening time
Down on fascination street




I love The Cure atmosphere...
it just makes me feel...alive...in another place, another dimension...dark dancefloor with green lights and the strobble light shining... Just makes me want to dance like if it was my last day on earth...


I love it... I know I couldn't listen to The Cure if I die.
I know I wont be able to hug you if I die.




H&M

É, me disseram que seria muito intenso, mas que seria passageiro.

QUE MERDA.

Mais uma vez.

Só que agora, pior. Paixão fulminante, sacrifícios feitos, a vida praticamente largada, por algo passageiro? Por alguém que nem sequer está aqui e que nem sequer reconhece o meu esforço, que no fim das contas tenta me fazer sentir culpada por coisas que eu nem fiz. Por quê?

Por que minha vida é assim? Por que eu passo por essas situações? Qual o motivo, razão ou circunstância me fez uma completa idiota e uma completa azarada com relacionamentos? Eu nem sequer posso fazer algo, estou a quilômetros de distância, para chegar precisaria de um avião e demoraria quase um dia inteiro, contando escalas e tempo de voo. Tsc tsc. É minha querida, você se fodeu novamente.

Porquê o meu coração é uma coisa mole, que sangra e chora facilmente. Porquê eu ainda sou uma completa idiota romântica que aposta todas as fichas em meia dúzia de palavras bonitas. Porquê quando eu acho que minha vida está completa, ela só está é ficando mais vazia, e mais uma vez um buraco imenso é aberto no meu peito e mais uma vez eu choro, me descabelo, me desespero e tenho vontade de morrer. Morrer. Desaparecer é mais correto, desaparecer por completo e de uma vez, virar fumaça e sumir com o vento. Pra sempre. Como consigo isso? Já não me satisfaz por completo me cortar, me bater e arrancar meus próprios cabelos. Também não me satisfaz machucar todos os meus dedos até que todas as unhas inflamem e eu nem consiga segurar um copo sem sentir dor. Já não me satisfaz amarrar um lenço no pescoço até quase sufocar, só para sentir a sensação. Não me satisfaz.

Já não me satisfaz sair todas as noites e ficar bêbada, já não me satisfaz usar várias drogas todas as noites e ter que trabalhar morrendo no dia seguinte. Não me satisfaz. Eu quero mais, eu quero uma vida feliz, ou desaparecer.

Talvez o destino tenha feito não dar certo a minha volta antecipada, talvez o porquê de tudo ser tão caro e envolto em burocracia extrema tenha sido bom. Se eu tivesse feito isso, como eu queria, eu estaria me arrependendo amargamente agora, pois meu relacionamento parece estar padecendo. É, as pessoas não conseguem se doar da maneira como eu faço. Eu largo tudo quando amo, e eu tenho certeza que isso que sinto é amor. Mas ninguém, ou quase ninguém, tem a mesma capacidade. Todos apenas mentem, todo o romantismo, todo o carinho, todos os planos, são falsos, são colocados em pauta apenas para suprir a necessidade que os outros tem, que é se sentir amado acima de tudo. Por que as pessoas insistem em me dizer isso? Eu tenho cara de otária? Só pode. E mais uma vez me calarei para não perder, para que tudo isso continue igual... mas na verdade o que eu queria era que isso fosse verdade.

Me disse que nem saia mais com aquelas pessoas, que eram drogadas e safadas, e ai faz isso. Eu entendo que sejam amigos, não é ciúme, é só que eu quero igualdade. Eu larguei amizades e larguei festas, estou prestes à largar minha vida, meu sonho, minha família e amigos por ele, estou prestes a viver em um lugar que não conheço e nem conheço ninguém, só para estar próxima. Me disseram "investe, ele é muito bom". Sim, ele é muito bom, "menino de ouro", como disseram, mas esse menino de ouro talvez apenas quisesse um flerte longo e intenso, e foi o que conseguiu.

As pessoas não acreditam quando digo que sou muito ciumenta, e sempre me dizem "ah eu amo isso! Me sinto amado!". Você é amado, eu é que não sou.

Meu coração dói. Mas meus olhos fecham. Sono e tristeza, esse fds será em casa, certeza, pois se eu sair, eu sei que drogas e muito alcool me esperam, e eu sei que muitos me esperam também. Mas a dúvida: se eu for, me arrependerei depois? Ou me arrependerei muito mais de ter ficado em casa sozinha?

Eu preciso de ajuda. Eu preciso sumir. Talvez se eu me drogar e beber muito, eu tenha uma overdose. Eu sei que minha família ficaria chocada, mas eu já seria um cadáver. Que diferença faria?
Outra coisa que me mata: o que os amigos dele tem a ver com isso? Eu não devo satisfações a eles, nem respeito. Odeio ter que ouvir pederastas e raparigas comentando no fundo de uma ligação.

Deus, você existe? Está aí? Se estiver, por favor, me de uma luz. Me faça ter as atitudes corretas. Por favor.

"Your sins into me, 
oh, my beautiful one. 
Your sins into me. 
As a rapturous voice escapes
I will tremble a prayer
and I'll beg for forgiveness. 
Your sins into me,
Your sins into me 
oh, my beautiful one. "

 

i keep leaving all the sins into me... other peoples sins...

I keep feeling like crap because people use me...because they think i am an idiot... the funny is that these people, or, this person, claims is my friend, claims that loves me.

It's scary, everybody around me are just like snakes... just trying to kill me when I commit the smallest step ever, just because they want to be bad, just because they look at me and think that i deserve that. I dont. I've never been bad with someone, wait, I've been already, but not with someone that I claim is my friend. Never.

I know I sometimes forget about other things when i am with someone, but fuck off, I am a fucking human been and I will learn when I have to learn, why people keep blamming that I am an idiot?! WHY YOU keep blamming that? Just because you are so afraid of been weak, so afraid of been ugly, so afraid of been an idiot that everything that you live is just pointless. You don't have any type of wishes, all that you want is to be the hottest girl ever and fuck with maried man. You like it, because your life is so sad that you want to make others sad too, just because you cant stand seeing someone happy. You're a bitch. A little whore and one of the fucking cheapest woman I ever met.

I know how you are, I'm been like you know, bitch, and believe me, I wont let you go with this one, believe me, I wont kill you, but you will feel worse as ever, because everytime you close your eyes, everytime you fuck with someone, everytime you claim that guys are just crazy to fuck with you more than with anybody else, is because you are AFRAID, you are just a weak little girl in a womans body. And you know that.

Thats so funny, if I say that someone looked at me, you always say "oh he looked at me with a face 'I want to fuck you in a way I've never wanted to fuck anybody else'". You know what? SCREW YOU.

When I was with that guy and you said you were wet. WTF?! What type of bitch, of slut, say this kind of thing in front of the guy that the person you say is the most important in you life??

Your type. The worst ever. And you are an idiot, you are been a bitch with me and you think I dont know, but I do. And you lost the chance of having a sister. I loved you, so much, i loved you in a way that I was able to pretend that all this im-a-the-hottest-one-ever stuff that you say was nothing. I was able to be with you for everything. EVERYTHING. I was able to 'put my hands on fire' for you. But now, sorry, you will be left alone again.

I still love you, for the good things you made for me, but I will never trust on you.

But you know you are ugly behind the mask.

"agora falando "certo"

Você é muito bonita e inteligente, isso é uma Injustiça

como alguém pode ter essas qualidades... PERFECT

hihi"

at least someone are telling me these things for free, and not only because he wants to fuck...

All this situation is driving me crazy... falling in love with a friend is not nice, specially when he keep saying how much he likes you but suddenly disappears...Imf eeling happy with so many things... but this guy have the bloody power of destroying everything doing nothing, just been out...

FUCK, I HATE YOU! at least i try. I really do! ;'(

I hate everybody. I hate every man. I hate all this bullshit and I really hate myself for being sad with this.

If someone clames they're your friend, and later, and constantly, they try to push you down and make you feel like shit, so maybe, they're not your friend. But what to think when this person shows to you, in another ways and time, that they really care about you? Is just a confusion. Maybe they're just trying to keep you close to have more fun and to keep charging their own fiendish way of think.

Today I'm feeling like crap, and that's really annoying how thinks attacks me when I'm feeling like this.

That's only shocking. I'm feeling like crap, so that person really looks better than me, and she allways keep trying to be better and hotter than me. So in the next day a simple commentary that she does with another person on the phone just make me feels HORRIBLE. And it keeps making my heart hurt. All the time. I know that loads of people have bigger problems than this, like the red-head girl that hung out with us last night. Funny thing is that this girl didnt show any type of jealousy this time. But maybe in her heart she feels sad, because of all the things that makes her feel pain and makes her leg and heart doesnt work properly. I know, it's worst than feeling like crap for nothing. But what really makes me mad is the fact that the first girl allways act in a way that really looks like she is trying to make me feel really bad. And what's destroy me inside is THAT I LEAVE HER DO THAT. I allways did. Since as a kid. I allways let people make me feel like a idiot/stupid/ugly/fat. Im just so tired of this. I don't like my face, I don't like my body, I don't like my voice, I don't like the way that the guys that I want look at her, even if they look at me before/later. I just want to be SECURE. To feel good inside myself. I know a lot of people keep telling that I'm beautiful, but I ust don't feel like that. I can think sometimes that I have a pretty face, but suddenly I just look in the mirror and I really look like a troll. And my body, I know everything works properly, my legs, my arms, my organs, but, I just want to change the shape, like, not exactly loose weight, just change the way it is, but I don't know, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I feel her insecurity, I know she is insecure, but anyway she just found a mask and she uses it all the time, AND IT WORKS. I would love to know how to do it, but better, I would love TO FEEL really secure to do everything I want. Oh, in fact I know remember of a time that I used to use a very similar mask, but mine didn't mean that I had to have sex with everybody and her does. But anyway, when I was about 16/17 and I used to go to certain parties and kiss everybody. I was the weirdest person in the place, mohawk, jacket, boots, and everybody gaves me the "scared look", until they see that I was friendly with another people like them, and that in fact I was kinda sleaze, so the party starts, and I used to kiss everybody, girls, boys, transexuals... But anyway I was still totally empty. Was a good time... Specially when the hard rock guys were there...but it didn't change myself inside. And what makes me feel worst is that, I know this girl is so sad, scared and insecure that she have to attack people and have to keep saying how beautiful,hot, good in bed she is, and keeping saying how big my belly is, or that I didn't kiss any guy yesterday, and she fucked with a guy two days ago and will fuck with another one tonight. I really don't want to be like this, I just want to be happy. That's all.

I don't know why things have to be like this.... in some ways, things are really easy to me, in another, they're just so heavy to carry that I am usually tempted to quit. But I don't... and I don't know if I can resist forever... maybe someday I will learn... but I really don't want to listen bullshit my entire life, and I really REALLY want that people listen to me when I'm saying something good, I just HATE the fact that generally nobody pays attention in what I'm saying. I don't know what I have to learn with this, but I really hope to learn being smart and intelligent than suffering. I just want to be happy and learn what I have to learn in this life and don't quit. I really don't want to quit. In fact i do, but I know that if I quit, I will have to pass through the same experience again, and I really don't want... I don't knwo what to do... Therapist didn't help, friends are generally assholes and the government of this country just makes things worst... I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, I really prefer to be here than go back... the only reason I would go back is to finish my college, but just because I don't want to work in this kind of shit job forever... I know it makes me survive here, and I spend a lot of money in fact, but I want to do some many things, I want to learn so many things, I want to see and to say and to hear so many things, that working in a laundry, supermarket or whatever wont give me the chance to do it... but just thinking to go back to the old place makes me freak out TOTALLY... I just want to learn all this life stuff by myself... I want to learn how to don't care about this shit and don't be a "hard" person, I just want to learn with this situation and BELIEVE that I'm good... I just want to be good...I just want to ACCEPT MYSELF AND BE HAPPY WITH IT!

I don't know why, since know, I still keep having this kind of assholes around me. Whata hell they see on me? Why am I so tempting to them? Do I look so happy or so weak? God, I'm just feeling a total failure...I feel I can't do anything properly BUT I KNOW I CAN. Why I'm feeling like that my entire life? Why people around me, even my fucking family and people that clammed to be my friends just make me feel like this? IM SO SICK OF THIS. so fucking sick!

I just want to.... AH fuck I even know what I want!!! I don't know if I want to kill people, if I want to humiliate them or if I just want to kill myself... But I can't do any of these things, otherwise all my "good plans" would turn into really impossible things.

I don't know what to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Everythng is just so tight inside my heart, so deep and it hurts so much!!!

Now I just hope that tomorrow will be a good, amazing day at work... because if I could, I would stay at home... but I need this job and I need money. And I just have to be thankful for this job, because it's kinda good job... and I know all this problems is just for me and the other people learn something... and I really hope I will learn everything soon so I can move to a better job...

and now I just want to smoke a pack of cigarettes... even if my head is just exploding of headache...  just want to dissapear in nanobubles in the air and feel happy

-'ave dementia' - the marionettes. Sounds exactly all the voices. The voices that makes me feel sometimes good...sometimes really bad.