Useless, scary, cheaper.

Theres a while that my heart claims for love. Love, that type of crazy feeling that makes all your body get warm and shake as a building on an earthquake. But at the same time my body just claims for regular sex, and it's not with only one person, and, at the samen time again, my mind begs for me to don't fall in love with anybody. After long and short failed relationships - that's not only sexual - my mind is getting smarter - or scared - about human relations. The only big problem is to fell my body shaking inside when I hear that voice, that words that make my heart beats stronger and I fell like a hand squeezing it stronger as possible... it's like I'm drowing in the darkness, knowing that I will beat in your couch soon. That's really weird.

That's weird to be the new rose in town, but it's getting useless. Not exactly useless, but I already have almost everybody that I wanted, now there's only 2 or 3 victims, so soon I will have to find a new place to go, to move. Or maybe I will spend some time here, because I like this fucking old city, with this old castles and churches and stone streets, and every day I see a new cute face.

The problem is, I know I'm getting afraid of falling in love again because I'm afraid about my friend. I know she is a great girl, but I'm not so sure about other people thoughts about her, or her thoughts about me, I know she doesn't care and she will always say to me that the guy that I'm going out is sexy and hot, ad for her it's totally normal, but been cheated with one of my best friends is too much for me, and I know that if it happens, nobody, never, will have my trust again, now, nobody have 100% of my trust, but if it happens, neither 0,001% of my trust the people will have, and I know that blood will run, and I don't want this.

Last week I was thinking that maybe she is hotter, sexier, cutier or whatever than me, but someone said to me something that I think is the true: She is not better than you, she is just easier and cheaper.

Yeah. Exactly.

I know some people prefer me than her, they prefer me to fuck for one night or to have a relationship, and with her is 99,99% the times only fuck for fun. It doesnt mean that I'm better than her, just that I have more stuff to talk about. Maybe I'm more interesting to have a live with than her. The problem is that I don't want to be the cheated wife.

Fuck! I still think like a little girl, with a fucking idiot prince that will come in a white horse and love me forever. But I KNOW I will NEVER LOVE HIM FOREVER, and that is impossible to someone never cheat on someone, or even if they dont cheat, at least they will have sexual conversations or virtual sex with another person, so, it's a kind of cheat. I really don't want this.

That's weird, at the same time that I want someone forever, I'm almost sure that it will never happen, so maybe I will be an eternal bachelorete, or just an old single woman with no kids and a lot of dogs and cats. Well, at least I know I will be a hot old woman with a lot of young dicks. Yeah, I will take care of myself to be proud of my age and appearance.

The only problem is that I want that guy from D8. Fuck I'm thinking about him a long time, everyday that I see him in front of my work I get walking on clouds all day long. Shit! But why, WHY I said to her about him? Now, like ALWAYS, she keeps saying that the guy is looking to her, and want to fuck her, and bla bla bla.

God! Why is it happening?! What do I have to learn with this?! You know, I love her, she is a great person as a friend, well, in most parts, but I think that maybe, she is so scary about the fact of been useless of uglier than other girls that she wants to show that she is always trying to show to other people that she is very secure of herself. Well, she really have a beautiful body, and know how to use nice clothes, and how to dance in a sexy way, but it doesn't mean that she is better than other people, specially better than me. I feel sad to think about this, I shouldn't! I know! But I have to solve problems with myself before stop thinking this bullshit, because I really love my friend... that's sad. 

I know that, P. for example, would love to fuck her, but would love to fuck me for a long time and after have a nice conversation about some bands or movies from early 80's, something that he knows that probably will never have with her. I'm not saying that she is stupid, not at all! She's really intelligent and smart, but in some subjects, she really don't have how to keep a long conversation. Only when the chat is about sex she can continue it. I love her, but, well, I think the guy could be right, she's just easier, and cheaper.

Ville Valo - Black Rose

it's a fucking psykodrame.

If I were an animal I would like to be loved. As a person - and animal aswell - I need it too, it hurts to don't fell it.
You could have all. But if you don't fell at least a fucking little respect and love, you fell sick, fell like shit.
I would love to know how to demonstrate my feelings, my thoughts, but I think I can't even draw anymore. I have the fucking idea in my head, why my hands don't do it?
I would like to show how I fell, like Trent Reznor do, with a fucking good and beautiful type of art, in a way that can make people cry or fell that are not alone in the world.
I should give my blood to know how to put it off of me, just to have a good think after all this shit.
Hate. Sadness. Illusion. Hate. Sadness. Illusion.
Fucking nights with any purpose. Just sex and hangover.


The hand that feeds can hurt too. Fuck, my head hurts, my heart cries. My mind are lost. I even know how to use a pencil anymore.
Fucking sore heart. Fucking tears that don't stop rolling throw my face.
I hate fell like that and don't put it out! I just want to do something nice.
I just need some fucking money to buy my sketchbook. Why this country is so fucking expensive?
My body are so tired, but my mind don't stop. Millions of thoughts every second. Just spinning and arguing with myself. Just thoughts that cannot leave me sleep.
I even fell my legs. It's just pieces of meat. God. I love my legs. I need them moving. But i'm so tired. The only things that still moves are my fingers and my eyes. My throat is sore and my feet are like ghosts.
My mind don't stop. I fell useless. I wish I could do somenthing now. I wish I have my sketchbook, a fucking pencil, a brush and some inks. I need some money. I NEED FUCKING MONEY.
I hate some people. I hate idiot people. I hate people that things they're the fucking hottest thing on earth. I hate idiot girls that really thinks that having sex with a lot of people is the same of being sexy. IT'S NOT! It's loneliness. I know it. I really know it.
It's just loneliness and horny. They're together have a crazy massive result. And it's casual sex.
I wish I could do something for myself right now. I wish I could go to someones house and just powder till the day comes. I wish I could go to someone's house to stop the loneliness, doesn't matter if it's only for some hours, it's enough for me.
I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW! When I start writing I don't stop anymore. I wish I was a good painter to give to J.'s some pride. I'm a good girl.
Good girl. He always says it. He always looks. He always get close. He's getting closer. But the fucking slut is close sometimes. Shit. What do you mean I have the nife and the cheese on my hands?! I don't. They're empty. I wish I had.


Fuck Fuck Fuck fuck Fuck. I just want to stop this fucking stomachache. It hurts and I'm feeling sick. I need to urine too but my body is so fucking tired. I think doesn't have any blood in my legs.
March of the Pigs make me want to dance. I wish I was in a fucking goth basement dance club with Trent Reznor spinning and punching the air like crazy. Just because it's good, I don't know why. But it's good. It makes me fell better. I know it makes you fell better too. Just punch the air in a fucking dark and bad smell place, with the light going on and out, just making you get crazier and breathless. The drums make me want to kick someone. Trow myself of the fucling window, just to fell the wind on my face and my body. I know he felt what I fell. Probably, exactly the same.
I want to scream. I want to punch the air. I want to spin my body around myself and the room. I want to dance like a crazy junkie bitch, like old times. I want to have my hair back combed again. I want it. I need it. I hate every fucking people in my city, the fucking parties are just shit now, but I love it, the atmosphere, the music, the sensation that I used to have well I danced all night. I need your fucking body dancing like crazy with me. I eally want a cigarette, but my throat is sore and I don't have 9 euros to buy a fucking cigarette box.
March of the pigs, march of the pigs, march of the pigs. Just my fingers moving. The music inside my head. My back is hurting. My head doesnt stop. It's just too fast. Too fast. Too fast to live. Too young too die.
Fuck, I don't want to stop writing anymore, but I just write shit. I need to sleep, I want to sleep but my mind don't let me go, I fell I'm waisting my time sleeping. But I love to sleep, speacially in some occasions, after some acts.
Fuck. Crazy loneliness that don't go! Why I ate like a fucking bitch? My stomach hurts and I'm felling sick. sick sick sick sick sick. Fuck now I remember that the punk girl knows a lot of people that I do and I just had a crazy fuck with his fuck-friend. Whatshit what can I do now?
Shit.
Trent Reznor. If I was a men, I would like to be him. Seriously. I would love to get high with him and listen to some crazy music.


Love.