I hate everybody. I hate every man. I hate all this bullshit and I really hate myself for being sad with this.

If someone clames they're your friend, and later, and constantly, they try to push you down and make you feel like shit, so maybe, they're not your friend. But what to think when this person shows to you, in another ways and time, that they really care about you? Is just a confusion. Maybe they're just trying to keep you close to have more fun and to keep charging their own fiendish way of think.

Today I'm feeling like crap, and that's really annoying how thinks attacks me when I'm feeling like this.

That's only shocking. I'm feeling like crap, so that person really looks better than me, and she allways keep trying to be better and hotter than me. So in the next day a simple commentary that she does with another person on the phone just make me feels HORRIBLE. And it keeps making my heart hurt. All the time. I know that loads of people have bigger problems than this, like the red-head girl that hung out with us last night. Funny thing is that this girl didnt show any type of jealousy this time. But maybe in her heart she feels sad, because of all the things that makes her feel pain and makes her leg and heart doesnt work properly. I know, it's worst than feeling like crap for nothing. But what really makes me mad is the fact that the first girl allways act in a way that really looks like she is trying to make me feel really bad. And what's destroy me inside is THAT I LEAVE HER DO THAT. I allways did. Since as a kid. I allways let people make me feel like a idiot/stupid/ugly/fat. Im just so tired of this. I don't like my face, I don't like my body, I don't like my voice, I don't like the way that the guys that I want look at her, even if they look at me before/later. I just want to be SECURE. To feel good inside myself. I know a lot of people keep telling that I'm beautiful, but I ust don't feel like that. I can think sometimes that I have a pretty face, but suddenly I just look in the mirror and I really look like a troll. And my body, I know everything works properly, my legs, my arms, my organs, but, I just want to change the shape, like, not exactly loose weight, just change the way it is, but I don't know, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I feel her insecurity, I know she is insecure, but anyway she just found a mask and she uses it all the time, AND IT WORKS. I would love to know how to do it, but better, I would love TO FEEL really secure to do everything I want. Oh, in fact I know remember of a time that I used to use a very similar mask, but mine didn't mean that I had to have sex with everybody and her does. But anyway, when I was about 16/17 and I used to go to certain parties and kiss everybody. I was the weirdest person in the place, mohawk, jacket, boots, and everybody gaves me the "scared look", until they see that I was friendly with another people like them, and that in fact I was kinda sleaze, so the party starts, and I used to kiss everybody, girls, boys, transexuals... But anyway I was still totally empty. Was a good time... Specially when the hard rock guys were there...but it didn't change myself inside. And what makes me feel worst is that, I know this girl is so sad, scared and insecure that she have to attack people and have to keep saying how beautiful,hot, good in bed she is, and keeping saying how big my belly is, or that I didn't kiss any guy yesterday, and she fucked with a guy two days ago and will fuck with another one tonight. I really don't want to be like this, I just want to be happy. That's all.

I don't know why things have to be like this.... in some ways, things are really easy to me, in another, they're just so heavy to carry that I am usually tempted to quit. But I don't... and I don't know if I can resist forever... maybe someday I will learn... but I really don't want to listen bullshit my entire life, and I really REALLY want that people listen to me when I'm saying something good, I just HATE the fact that generally nobody pays attention in what I'm saying. I don't know what I have to learn with this, but I really hope to learn being smart and intelligent than suffering. I just want to be happy and learn what I have to learn in this life and don't quit. I really don't want to quit. In fact i do, but I know that if I quit, I will have to pass through the same experience again, and I really don't want... I don't knwo what to do... Therapist didn't help, friends are generally assholes and the government of this country just makes things worst... I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, I really prefer to be here than go back... the only reason I would go back is to finish my college, but just because I don't want to work in this kind of shit job forever... I know it makes me survive here, and I spend a lot of money in fact, but I want to do some many things, I want to learn so many things, I want to see and to say and to hear so many things, that working in a laundry, supermarket or whatever wont give me the chance to do it... but just thinking to go back to the old place makes me freak out TOTALLY... I just want to learn all this life stuff by myself... I want to learn how to don't care about this shit and don't be a "hard" person, I just want to learn with this situation and BELIEVE that I'm good... I just want to be good...I just want to ACCEPT MYSELF AND BE HAPPY WITH IT!

I don't know why, since know, I still keep having this kind of assholes around me. Whata hell they see on me? Why am I so tempting to them? Do I look so happy or so weak? God, I'm just feeling a total failure...I feel I can't do anything properly BUT I KNOW I CAN. Why I'm feeling like that my entire life? Why people around me, even my fucking family and people that clammed to be my friends just make me feel like this? IM SO SICK OF THIS. so fucking sick!

I just want to.... AH fuck I even know what I want!!! I don't know if I want to kill people, if I want to humiliate them or if I just want to kill myself... But I can't do any of these things, otherwise all my "good plans" would turn into really impossible things.

I don't know what to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Everythng is just so tight inside my heart, so deep and it hurts so much!!!

Now I just hope that tomorrow will be a good, amazing day at work... because if I could, I would stay at home... but I need this job and I need money. And I just have to be thankful for this job, because it's kinda good job... and I know all this problems is just for me and the other people learn something... and I really hope I will learn everything soon so I can move to a better job...

and now I just want to smoke a pack of cigarettes... even if my head is just exploding of headache...  just want to dissapear in nanobubles in the air and feel happy

-'ave dementia' - the marionettes. Sounds exactly all the voices. The voices that makes me feel sometimes good...sometimes really bad.